How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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