I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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