thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
