Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
