Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
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