Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
