Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
