i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
