he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Everclear isn't food dammit
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
