I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
