I accidentally burped into my bong.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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