I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
