My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
