Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
