my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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