Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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