he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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