oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just want to make out with him forever
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
