So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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