Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
this boner is exhausting
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
