Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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