I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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