can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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