So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize