I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
