She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
