just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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