It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
