Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
