That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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