I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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