On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
so let's talk penis.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
