He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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