Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
