Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
