she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
