Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
