I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
