who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
