walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize