Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
