Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
