I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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