seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
