he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
