What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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