highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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