I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
