im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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