Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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