Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
