Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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