Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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