The maid of honor just puked.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
