a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he was CRYING into my vagina
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
