How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just forgot I was standing up.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
