I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
