i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
