I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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