is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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