The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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