I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
