i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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