The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
