1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Randomize
