fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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